What's in a Name
by BlackDaggerLover
Summary: Zsadist learns how to spell a particular name. Spoilers for Lover Awakened.


Author: BlackDaggerLover

Title: What's in a Name?

Rating: R for language

Series: The Black Dagger Brotherhood by JR Ward

Word Count: 1405

Spoilers: For Lover Awakened

Author's Comments: Zsadist is my favorite brother, and I think his story is the most heart wrenching of them all. I've become obsessed with his missing moments and have started some fics to fill in the blanks. This takes place near the end of Lover Awakened after Bella has gone to Charlotte sometime in that two month time when Z was learning to read. Lots of thanks to my beta and crack dealer – you know who you are!

What's in a Name

"A – B – C – D – E – F – G…."

Zsadist stopped… and thought hard. And came up short. He tried again.

"A – B – C – D – E – F – G…."

He couldn't remember what came next. How utterly fucking stupid he was. He couldn't even recite his ABC's. Stupid fuck that he was. No wonder she left him.

He stopped the thought, not allowing himself to say her name, even in his head. He couldn't. Not right now. Not until he was better. Not until he was worthy.

As if he would ever be worthy.

"A – B – C – D – E – F – G…."

This was getting him nowhere. It had only been a few days into his education, and Mary was being so patient with him. Problem was, he needed to learn as fast as he could if he ever had a hope of going back to Bella before she had taken a mate.

_Fuck._ He'd said her name.

Focusing his mind back on the alphabet, he started at it once more, determined that he'd remember the next bit.

"A – B – C – D – E – F – G…."

It was like he had some kind of mental block stopping him from getting to the next letter. Mary had told him to take it slow, that he couldn't expect to know it all in two days. She'd even tried to help him by teaching him to sing it.

"You are musical," she's said with a smile. "We should sing it." And then she had recited the entire thing in a song. She didn't have a very nice voice, but that was beside the point. Music was a language that Z was fluent in.

"That's nice," he'd said. "Sing it again."

"It's the same tune as 'Twinkle , Twinkle Little Star,' if that helps any."

Z had glared at her. "I wasn't taught my alphabet as a child. Do you think I know anything about fucking nursery rhymes?"

Mary's face went white and a snarl from Rhage keeping watch from the other side of the room reminded Zsadist that Mary was only there out of the goodness of her heart and that he had no right to snap at her like that.

"Sorry," he'd apologized. "Just… sing it again. I'll pick it up."

And so she had. She'd sung it several times. And Z had even started noticing that some of the letters had obvious sounds attached to them. The letter "S" for example was an easy one. That hiss sound was easy to pick out in words. And "B" – Bella's name started with a "B."

"Holy shitting fuck," he swore, pounding his fist against the mattress. He had to stop thinking about her. That's why he took up learning about something real – so he would have something to distract him while locked himself away during daylight hours.

"A – B – C – D – E – F – G…."

With another rough swear, Z rolled over on his pallet and picked up his phone. Two rings later, and he was greeted by Rhage's voice. "What can I do for you, Z?"

"I need to talk to Mary."

"Hello?" she said into the receiver.

"I'm stuck. I don't know what comes next."

"What comes—"

"A – B – C – D – E – F – G…."

"Oh," Mary inhaled. "H - H comes next." And to help him out further she sang the whole song again to him.

He thanked her and hung up. And then started at the beginning and sang through the song on his own. He had to stop once more, for he couldn't remember "Q," but it eventually came to him.

_Damn letters that don't sound like their_ _sounds_.

As he neared the end, he gave a moment's pause at the letter "V" and thought about Vishous. And then came the last letter, one of the only letters he had known going into these lessons.

"Z."

Fitting that his letter would come all the way at the end. His name did start with a "Z" didn't it?

_Christ, what kind of a moron doesn't even know how to spell his name?_

He hit the redial on his phone, knowing he could just walk down the hall and knock on the door. This way meant that he didn't have to look anyone in the eyes while owning up to his stupidity. To his relief, Mary answered this time, not Rhage. "What do you need, Zsadist?"

"How do you spell my name?"

"Er…" she faltered.

"It starts with a 'Z', right? That's why everyone calls me 'Z'."

"Right. I think it's Z-A-D-I-S-T but I'm not sure."

"Why?" he frowned.

"Well, everyone's name around here is an alternate spelling of another real word. Like Rhage, for example. Rage, as in the emotion, is R-A-G-E. But my hellren's name is R-_H_-A-G-E. There is an extra 'H' in there."

"Ok, so…what does that have to do with me?"

"You know what a sadist is, don't you?"

Z closed his eyes with a groan. "Yeah." He pretty much lived up to the classic definition of his name.

"Sadist starts with an 'S' rather than a 'Z.' So, I assume that your name is spelled the same, but with a 'Z' at the start instead."

Rhage mumbled something in the background.

"Oh, okay," Mary replied. "Z? Rhage says that your name is spelled Z-S-A-D-I-S-T, exactly like the normal word but with a 'Z' in front of it."

Somehow that didn't make him feel much better.

"Anything else I can tell you?" she asked politely.

He did have one more question, but it hurt to ask. It hurt _not_ to ask.

"How do you spell Bella?"

Mary paused a moment. "B-E-L-L-A."

Her name even sounded gentle and lovely when it was spelled. Unlike his own, which was harsh and biting. How very fitting.

"You know what's interesting," Mary casually added, "the word for 'beautiful' in French is spelled B-E-L-L-E. Bella's name is only one letter off from 'beautiful'."

The thought left Zsadist speechless.

"Well, good night, Zsadist," Mary said cheerfully, unaware of the commotion she had caused inside of the male's brain.

Z clipped the phone closed and ran his free hand over his face. The memories he had of Bella were perfectly clear, no matter how hard he fought to keep them in check in the back of his mind. Now, after being told that even her name meant "beautiful" he couldn't help but focus on every aspect of her beauty. Her smooth skin, her flashing eyes, that glorious mane of hair. Her smile, her soft kiss, the gentle way she touched him. Her soul, the thrum of her heartbeat, the taste of her blood. The knowledge that she knew exactly what had been done to him and could still lay with him, that she had chosen him to serve her during her needing.

Zsadist grumbled a mighty swear as the heavy weight between his legs began to throb. He looked down at his traitorous appendage and said, "I don't know what you think you're doing. She's not coming back. And I sure as shit am not going to help you."

Frustrated, and a bit confounded by the fact that he'd actually reached a point where he was talking to his dick, Zsadist rolled over onto his stomach and willed his body to forget about the female it craved. He couldn't have her. She didn't want him anymore. She regretted even being with him. He had to think of something else.

Letters. Spelling.

"A – B – C – D – E – F – G – H – I – J – K – L …."

He stopped.

And started again.

"B – E – L – L – A."

He took a deep breath and slowly let the sensation of having her near wash over him.

"B – E – L – L – A."

Now that he knew how to spell it, he imagined what it would look like written out. He imagined what it would look like in the old language. He imagined what it would look like carved onto his back - what it would feel like to have her as his _shellan_.

But that wasn't going to happen. Ever. To place her beautiful name on his wretched body would be a crime. The name of "Zsadist" didn't have any right to even consider being connected to the name "Bella."

With that final thought, Zsadist swore never to speak her name again. Not without her permission. And he knew it would be a cold day in hell before that happened.


End file.
